Little Conversations
by Hawk Clowd
Summary: The apple never falls far from the tree...
1. Apples

**Title:** Little Conversations  
  
**Author:** Hawk Clowd  
  
**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from with the beer and cigarette runs.  
  
**Blood Type:** NyQuil  
  
**Warnings:** sleep-deprived insanity.  
  
**Part:** One  
  
**Author's Notes:** If I can pull shit like this out of my ass in fifteen minutes at work after pulling an all-nighter, maybe I should just never sleep again...

---

"I don't get it," Tatsuha said, tossing the apple up and down with one hand and holding the phone to his ear with the other. "What's so great about some stupid apple?"  
  
Eiri hushed him. "The apple isn't the important thing," he corrected in a scolding tone of voice. "The apple is _never_ the important thing, unless you're very hungry."  
  
For the love of... Tatsuha sighed. He hated it when Eiri got into moods like this; when the writer didn't sleep for a few days straight, he would call Tatsuha up with the strangest little philosophies and start up conversations that never _ever_ made any sense. This was one of those times.  
  
"Okay," Tatsuha conceded. He yawned and looked mournfully at his abandoned futon. He had _school_ in the morning, didn't Eiri realize that? And he had to be up at the crack of dawn, too, so he could do some stupid temple ritual with his father. "So if the apple isn't the important thing, what _is_ the important thing?"  
  
There was a long pause on the other end of the line and Tatsuha nearly hung the phone up, sure that Eiri had passed out at last, but he heard his brother's voice just before he could hang up.  
  
"What was that?" he asked.  
  
"Are you _holding_ the apple in your _hand_?" Eiri asked.  
  
"For the fiftieth time, yes. I went to the kitchen, got an apple out of the refrigerator, went back to my room and put the apple in my goddamn hand. If you ask me that again, I will _teleport_ to Tokyo, break into your apartment, and kill you dead, you asshole," Tatsuha threatened.  
  
Eiri paused. "So it's in your hand?"  
  
"YES, the apple is _in_ my hand," Tatsuha hissed. He nearly yelled at his brother, but he didn't want to wake up his father, who would be pissed if he ever found out about Tatsuha and Eiri's occasional middle-of-the-night chats and possibly take away Tatsuha's cell phone--which he was not supposed to have in the first place. Tatsuha did not want his cell phone taken away; Sakuma Ryuichi's _phone number_ was listed in that cell phone. It was very important to him.  
  
"Good."  
  
Tatsuha waited for Eiri to go on, and, when he didn't, sighed. "Okay, what do I do with it now?"  
  
"Take the apple," Eiri began, "and lick it."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You heard me. Lick it."  
  
Tatsuha rolled his eyes and licked the apple. "There. I licked the apple. Now what?"  
  
There was another pause. "You licked it?"  
  
"Yes, I licked it."  
  
Eiri snickered. "I can't believe you actually licked it."  
  
Tatsuha fought the urge to beat his head into the wall until he died and won. Barely. "What's so bad about licking an apple?" he snapped. "It's just a fruit. People eat them all the time."  
  
"Don't you know what happens when you lick an apple?" Eiri asked, voice weighted with a measure of surprise.  
  
He was going to regret this, he just knew it. Tatsuha sighed. "What happens when you lick an apple?" he asked, kicking himself for it already.  
  
"You turn into a shrubbery."  
  
Tatsuha stared at the apple in his hand, silently wishing his brother would die in a most horrible, painful fashion. Or at least go take a nap or something. "Licking apples turns people into shrubberies," he repeated, dead-pan.  
  
"That's right."  
  
"I'm hanging up on you now."  
  
Eiri made a small noise of protest. "If you do, I'll just call back."  
  
"I won't answer, fucker."  
  
"I'll call the _house_ phone and tell Dad you bought yourself a cell phone without his permission, even knowing how he feels about that sort of thing."  
  
"You wouldn't."  
  
Tatsuha could practically hear Eiri's smirk. "Try me."  
  
Stupid self-satisfied pain in the ass... Tatsuha sighed and sank to his knees. He squatted above the floor and rested his back against the wall. "Okay, okay. I won't hang up."  
  
"Good." Eiri sounded smug. "Now, take that apple again..."  
  
Tatsuha sighed and tossed the apple up in the air once and then caught it with ease. "Yeah?"  
  
"And shove it up your ass."  
  
Tatsuha bashed his head back against the wall. No phone number was worth this... 


	2. Math Homework

**Title:** Little Conversations

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from with the beer and cigarette runs.

**Blood Type:** NyQuil

**Warnings:** sleep-deprived insanity.

**Part:** Two

**Author's Notes:** Right now I am seriously pissed off at a certain someone in an rp I'm in... So I'm posting this to keep myself from pulling a Joan and punching the wall. I'd tell you about this guy and what he did, but I won't. Because I'm trying to pretend I'm a nice person and keep myself from fucking initiating a nuclear _explosion_. Be glad.

---

There were three very long cracks in the ceiling. Tatsuha bashed his head backward into the wall once again and wondered how long they had been there. Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? Tatsuha made a mental note to ask Eiri, who had shared this bedroom with him once upon a time, after he was done pestering his brother about his current crisis.

"This isn't _hard_, Tatsuha," Eiri told his younger brother irritably. "It's just some simple math. You can't possibly be having this much trouble."

Tatsuha glanced down at his open math book and the clutter of scrap paper he had been scribbling on and scowled. "Well, I'm _so_rry we can't all be super-geniuses like you," he snapped.

Eiri ignored that. "If you hadn't procrastinated and started your homework at the very last minute," he pointed out in a low growl, "I would be in bed right now. You stupid, stupid idiot."

Grr. "First off, I didn't procrastinate. I _forgot_. Second... Well, are you going to keep telling me how stupid I am or are you going to help with my homework like I asked you to?" Tatsuha asked. He fought to keep his voice down to a low hiss; his father was still sleeping, after all, and the old fart still didn't know about Tatsuha's cell phone... If the geezer found out now, Tatsuha would not only have his phone taken away but he'd never get his math homework finished, either!

Tatsuha had, at first, considered saving himself the aggravation and turning the homework late, but he'd already done that a lot lately and his grade was suffering enough _without_ him turning assignments in late. And so, in his desperation, he had called Eiri. Really, that had been a stupid thing to do. Eiri had just finished his latest manuscript and had been planning to spend a full twenty-four hours sleeping off his weeklong all-nighter binges. Tatsuha had interrupted his brother at hour five. And so now Eiri was tired, cranky, and helping Tatsuha figure out his math homework.

There was a catch. There _had_ to be a catch.

"We've been going over this for three hours now," Eiri complained, "and there are only so many ways to tell you how to apply the quadratic equation!"

Tatsuha shot a look at his alarm clock. "It's only three o'clock!" he hissed. "You've only been talking to me for two and a half hours now, Aniki!"

"My point remains." There was a clatter from Eiri's end and the elder brother cursed.

"What was that?" Tatsuha asked, alarmed. His math homework was temporarily forgotten.

"I dropped a pot," Eiri muttered.

The fucker was _cooking_?! He was cooking _while_ he tried to help Tatsuha with the math homework! Tatsuha fumed. It wasn't fair. Why was _Eiri_ the smart one? Had he garnered up a shit load of good karma in a former life or something? Tatsuha scowled at his math book and at the sounds of Eiri cooking. They were taunting him. And the fact that his father was going to be waking up in another few hours to start his daily chanting was _not_ helping at all. This wasn't fair.

Eiri was talking again. "Look, you know the formula. I know you know the formula -- it's in your fucking book. X is equal to negative b plus or minus the square root of b-squared minus four times a times c, all over two times a. It's not that hard. You figure out which number is a and which number is b and, if you're lucky, which number is c and then you go from there!"

"I _know_ that," Tatsuha retorted.

Someone mumbled something on Eiri's end of the phone and Tatsuha sighed. Figures. Eiri's pot had woken up Shuichi or something and now Tatsuha was never _ever_ going to figure out his math homework! Eiri mumbled something about helping Tatsuha with his homework and Tatsuha could hear Shuichi arguing with him about how much he needed to sleep. Grr. Tatsuha made a mental note to make a Shuichi voodoo doll.

The conversation continued for a moment before Eiri turned back to the phone. "You hear that?"

"Yeah. Tell Shuichi to go fuck himself," Tatsuha replied.

Eiri passed the message along and then turned back to the phone, his amusement clear in his voice. "What were we saying?"

"Quadratic formula," Tatsuha said.

"Right." Eiri made a yawning noise and Tatsuha could hear him banging around in the kitchen. The fucker was starting to make _him_ hungry! "Okay... so if you know all that, what's wrong?"

Argh, homework. "It all makes sense in my head," Tatsuha said, "but I can't make it work out on paper."

Eiri sighed. "It would just be easier to show you..."

"So what? Are you going to drive all the way here, show me how to do it, and drive back all before school starts _without_ Dad ever figuring it out?"

"Fuck no."

"So...?"

"You're on your own."

"ANIKI!" Once he had made that exclamation, Tatsuha clapped a hand over his mouth and stared at the door, listening carefully for sounds that would signal that he had woken up his father and that the old geezer was coming to eat his brains. Once he was certain that his father hadn't woken up, he hissed back into the phone. "Aniki, you've _got_ to help me. I'm already close to flunking and..."

Eiri sighed. "I'm tired. I'm sore. And I want to go to sleep. So I am going to do this once -- just once -- and it will never happen again. Tell me the question and I'll give you the answer."

Tatsuha repeated it, number by number, being very careful of all the signs and brackets and everything. When he was done, Eiri was quiet, and that was unsettling. Tatsuha squirmed and stared down at his paper.

"Aniki...?"

"You are such a fucking idiot."

"Eh?"

Eiri growled. "The reason you can't get this problem is because it doesn't _require_ the quadratic formula. It's fucking addition. You son of a bitch. You woke me up for _this_?"

"Oh."

"That's it?" Eiri asked. "Just 'oh'? There had better be fucking more than an 'oh' here."

Tatsuha frowned and stared back down at his problems. "Um... Well, I'm having problems with the next one, too..."

Eiri hung up the phone and so Tatsuha gave it a few minutes before he hit redial and called his older brother back.


	3. Plight of a Button

**Title:** Little Conversations

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from with the beer and cigarette runs.

**Blood Type:** NyQuil

**Warnings:** sleep-deprived insanity.

**Part:** Three

**Author's Notes:** Thank goodness my Spring Break starts today. Maybe I'll finally be able to get some sleep. That would be nice. In other news, I got my ear pierced (again) last Sunday and it's _finally_ stopped hurting. Yay to that!

"I don't know why you're making me do this," Tatsuha grumbled into his cell phone. He used his free hand to straighten some of the knick-knacks and figurines sitting on a shelf in Mika's old room, then wiped traces of dust off on his pants. "I mean, who honestly gives a damn about a stupid button?"

"I do," Eiri snapped. "I may need it."

"For _what_? It isn't as though you know how to sew a button onto... well, anything."

"I can have someone else sew it on for me," Eiri said in an injured tone of voice. Tatsuha was almost certain it was an act and a very bad one at that.

"Like who?" Tatsuha asked, frowning at the phone. "Shuichi?"

"Hell no. I don't trust him to make cereal by himself, much less handle a needle."

Tatsuha rolled his eyes. Eiri had called his cell about an hour ago and, somewhere along the line of conversation, convinced the younger brother to go on a quest in search of a missing button. Since Eiri hadn't been to Kyoto in... well, forever, Tatsuha hadn't a clue as to why Eiri was so sure the button was somewhere in the house, but Tatsuha had started looking already, so there didn't seem to be much point in stopping now.

"Have you found it yet?" Eiri asked.

"No," Tatsuha answered. "And why would it be in Mika's room, anyway?"

Tatsuha could practically see Eiri's look of disdain over the phone. "Because it's part of the house, dumbass."

Of course. "Whatever."

"Have you found it yet?"

"No," Tatsuha snapped. "Stop asking me that."

There was a long pause before Eiri spoke again. "How about now?"

"Shut _up_, Aniki!" Tatsuha hissed. He tip-toed out of Mika's old bedroom and back into the hallway. He was careful not to make a noise as he passed his father's room. "I'll _tell_ you when I find it."

"Mmhm." Eiri yawned and Tatsuha frowned.

"Aniki, why don't you go to sleep, huh? It's three in the morning." Tatsuha also had to go to some cheap-ass funeral the next morning, too, and if he didn't get a good night's sleep, he'd end up falling asleep while chanting. Then his father would throw a _fit_.

Eiri grunted and ignored off his brother's question. "Have you found it yet?"

God, was idiocy some sort of freak disease going around Tokyo? Tatsuha made a face at the phone. "No," he snapped. "I told you, I'll _tell_ you when I find it." He started toward his bedroom door. This was stupid. He quit.

Eiri answered with an incoherent mutter.

"Anyway," Tatsuha went on, "I've already looked through the entire house, except for Dad's room, and I can't find your stupid button. Just go out and buy a new one."

"But I need the button _now_," Eiri complained. Tatsuha found himself wondering how his brother, normally so stoic and ass-holicy, could be so... so _petulant_ sometimes, and then praised himself for having used one of his third-grade vocabulary words in real life.

"_Why_ do you need it?"

Eiri paused. "Isn't it obvious?"

"_No_."

The elder brother sniffed indignately. "It's lonely there all by itself! It's terrified that a rat will pick it up and eat it while it's seperated from its shirt family. Really, Tatsuha, you should be more sensitive to the plight of a button..."

Tatsuha ripped the phone away from his ear and stared at it. Realizing that he couldn't stare at his brother through a phone line, he put the phone back to his ear.

"Er, Aniki...?"

"Hm?"

"When was the last time you actually _slept_?"

Given the long pause (about three minutes, by Tatsuha's watch), it seemed that Eiri actually had to think about that before he answered, and that was _not_ a good sign.

When Eiri _did_ answer, he still sounded uncertain. "About... a week?"

Tatsuha's hand, which had just moved to open the bedroom door, froze in mid-air. "A _week_?" he exclaimed. Then he shot a guilty look down the hallway, to where his father was hopefully still sleeping. He quickly quieted his voice. "You honestly haven't slept for a week?"

"I've been busy," Eiri said by way of defense.

"Busy my ass."

Eiri murmured something, but Tatsuha didn't hear it.

"Sleeping is supposed to be a nightly thing," he pointed out. "Put Shuichi on the phone."

"He's sleeping."

"And you should be, too!" Tatsuha hissed. "Put him on the phone."

Eiri grumbled, but did as he was told. After a few minutes of whining on Shuichi's part and gruff explanations on Eiri's part, Shuichi took the phone.

"'ello?" he asked sleepily. "Tatsuha?"

"Knock that asshat on the head with a two-by-four," Tatsuha ordered, creeping into his bedroom, "and put him the fuck to bed."

Shuichi paused. "Mmkay," he said, yawning. "You want to talk to Yuki again?"

"No," Tatsuha said, rubbing his forehead irritably. "Just make sure he gets some goddamn sleep." That said, Tatsuha hung up the phone and went back to bed, not bothering to wait for a reply. Before finally drifting off, he found himself hoping that the idiot disease wasn't so contagious that he could contract it over the phone.


	4. Two ThirtySeven

**Title:** Little Conversations  
**Author:** Hawk Clowd  
**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from with the beer and cigarette runs.  
**Blood Type:** NyQuil  
**Warnings:** sleep-deprived insanity.  
**Part:** Four  
**Author's Notes:** Mmm. I realized while at work today that I'm paid not for teaching students, nor am I paid for not going over papers. I'm paid because I am subjected to the occasional mockery of the English language and I don't rip off anyone's head. In other news, I'm very tired. Thus, fiction.

---

"It's his birthday today," Tatsuha said happily into the phone immediately after Eiri picked it up and grunted a hello. After he said it, there was a long pause.

"What?" Eiri asked, his voice tinged with a mixture of disbelief and disgust.

"Sakuma Ryuichi," Tatsuha replied excitedly. "It's his birthday today!"

He heard Eiri yawn and imagined the writer was slyly looking at the clock by his bed and contemplating the death of his darling younger brother. "It's the middle of the night..."

"Two thirty-six," Tatsuha replied promptly. "Sakuma Ryuichi was born on April first at two thirty-seven in the morning!"

"You're a freak. Do you _know_ that?" Eiri grumbled. "M'going back to bed."

Tatsuha was about to snap back scathingly when he was interrupted by the sound of an alarm going off on Eiri's end of the phone. He heard Eiri curse at the clock and then heard Shuichi snap awake and squeal delightedly. Barely -- just barely -- he could hear the singer cry "Ryuichi-san just turned thirty-three five seconds ago!" and the sound of Eiri throwing a pillow at the younger man.

Tatsuha grinned. "Put Shuichi on the phone!"

He could practically _hear_ Eiri's scowl. "Fuck no! Why the hell would I do that?"

"Be_cause_! C'mon, Aniki!"

"No!" Eiri was audibly fuming. Tatsuha found himself glad that he was not in the same room as his irritable brother. "If I give him the phone, the two of you will spend all goddamn night fangirling at each other and consequently steal away my precious sleep hours!"

Shuichi had apparently figured out what was going on and Tatsuha heard him say: "Is that Tatsuha-kun? Lemme talk to him! Give it!" He was loud and clear, and Tatsuha imagined the singer was right up in Eiri's face, trying to heckle him into giving up his phone. Eiri growled intelligibly at Shuichi, but the badgering didn't end. He did his best to ignore it.

"Can't you two fangirl on someone else's sleep schedule?" Eiri asked tiredly. "Hang up or I'll call the house phone and wake up Dad." For a brief -- very brief -- moment, Tatsuha almost felt sorry for his brother. Eiri had never been a Nittle Grasper fan, although he'd listened to them without too much of a fuss whenever his brother or lover insisted, and he didn't understand why they worshiped Sakuma Ryuichi as they did. Really, it wasn't fair to him... but Tatsuha didn't care.

"It's Sakuma Ryuichi's birthday and I want to talk to Shuichi!" Tatsuha roared. He shot a sly look at the door and hoped his father hadn't heard him. The last thing he needed was for his father to ream him out about 'following in his idiot brother's footsteps' and having a cell phone, to boot.

"_Why_?" Eiri asked. He was obviously frustrated.

"Because someone deleted Sakuma Ryuichi's number from my cell phone and talking to Shuichi is almost but not quite as good as talking to my honey!" Tatsuha replied promptly.

Eiri turned very quiet. The only noise from his end of the phone was Shuichi claiming that he _needed_ to talk to someone about Sakuma-san or he would _explode_, right then and there. That noise, too, faded away and was replaced by the sound of Eiri's mattress creaking and the faint noise of footsteps. Tatsuha heard a faint electronic beeping and then, hardly a second later...

...the house phone rang.

"Shit!" Tatsuha cursed. "You're such a fucker, Aniki!" And then he hung up quickly, before his father could answer the house phone and Eiri could spill the beans. He dived into bed and listened as his father grumbled down the hallway, toward the kitchen. Before the old man could get that far, however, the ringing stopped. Tatsuha waited until he was absolutely positive that his father was back in bed before he reached for his phone again and dialed the number to Shuichi's cell phone instead.

It was a sleepless night, but oh, it was _so_ worth it.


	5. Paying the Price

**Title:** Little Conversations  
**Author:** Hawk Clowd  
**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from with the beer and cigarette runs.  
**Blood Type:** NyQuil  
**Warnings:** sleep-deprived insanity.  
**Part:** Five  
**Author's Notes:** Mrr. Band camp makes me tired, and, as we all know, tiredness inspires silly little additions to this story. Enjoy it.

---

It was four in the afternoon when Tatsuha's cell phone rang and Tatsuha dove to pick it up before this sound traveled down the hall and reached his father's ears. Who the hell was calling him at four in the afternoon, when they _knew_ his father would be around and would kill Tatsuha if he --

Tatsuha checked the number. Eiri. Of course.

"What do you want, Aniki?" Tatsuha hissed into his cell. "Do you have any idea what time it is, you asshole?"

Eiri ignored the question. "Exactly how long have I been paying your phone bill?"

"What?"

"Your cell phone bill was mailed to my address. I called the company and _apparently_ I've been receiving and paying your bills ever since you bought the damn phone."

Oh, right. That. Tatsuha frowned. "Uh, yeah. About that. I sorta forgot to mention it, but... Well, I couldn't have the bill sent _here_! Yeah, I'm usually the one who goes out for the mail, but what would happen if Dad went out or --"

Eiri interrupted him. "I couldn't care less where you have your bill sent. For all I care, you could send it to the fucking president of Burundi. What I really want to know is why I've been paying for it for the past eight months."

"Becaaauuuse... you didn't check the name on the bill?" Tatsuha suggested. "No one _asked_ you to pay for it."

"That's exactly what I wanted to hear," Eiri said. Tatsuha thought he could hear his brother purring. "Because you owe me about ninety-six thousand yen."

"What?" Tatsuha exclaimed. "Aniki, there's no way I've made a hundred thousand worth of phone calls!"

"I charge heavy interest."

"But I've mostly used it to talk to _you_!" Tatsuha protested. Eiri was obviously being unreasonable. It wasn't like it was his _fault_ his brother didn't like to read mundane, everyday things like bills and letters.

"Right," Eiri said. There was a rustling of papers. "And you often call sixteen different people there in Kyoto, four in Tokyo, two in Wakayama and one in..." Eiri paused. "Who the fuck are you calling in the United Kingdom?"

"A pen pal."

Tatsuha could practically hear Eiri fuming. "Pen pals are called pen pals because you _write_ to them -- you don't _call_ them!"

"You've never had a pen pal," Tatsuha sniffed, peeking out the door as he heard a floorboard creak outside. "So you wouldn't know."

Eiri growled. "That's not the point."

"So what is the point?"

"I'm not going to pay for your goddamn cell phone every month!" Eiri exclaimed. "You owe me eight months worth of phone calls plus interest, you little bastard."

Tatsuha scowled. "Don't you have a singer to go screw?"

"He's at work."

"So you called me?"

"It seemed only fair."

"And you're really going to make me pay a hundred thousand yen?"

"Yes."

Well, that was no good. Tatsuha paused. "Aniki?"

"Yes?"

"Can I borrow some money?"

Eiri hung up.


	6. Poetry Slam

**Title:** Little Conversations

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from with the beer and cigarette runs. Also? Don't own the limerick. I just modified it.

**Blood Type:** NyQuil

**Warnings:** sleep-deprived insanity.

**Part:** Six

**Author's Notes:** Yuck. I slept like crap last night and I think I'm coming down with something; my throat's been sore for days! The good news is that another chapter of "Little Conversations" came out of it, so I guess that's all right. Please excuse my horrible attempts at humor.

---

"That's not a poem," Eiri said. "That's crap in written form."

Tatsuha rolled his eyes. Despite being a jerk over Tatsuha's cell phone bill, Eiri continued to not only pay the bills but also call Tatsuha on a fairly regular basis, especially when he was tired, procrastinating, or very, very drunk. Eiri had called an hour or so before midnight and Tatsuha had taken advantage of his brother's sudden interest in his life to ask some advice for a school assignment. A poem.

"It's not _that_ bad," Tatsuha argued.

Eiri pretended to think about that. "Mmm... No, I'm pretty sure it _is_ that bad. It doesn't even rhyme."

"A poem doesn't have to rhyme," Tatsuha protested. "I don't even think we're allowed to rhyme."

Eiri scoffed. "It's still a crappy poem."

"Like you could do better?"

"I could."

"Fine." Tatsuha leaned back in his desk chair and doodled on the corner of his notebook. "Do it."

Eiri paused. "Right now?"

"Right now."

"Ah."

The resulting silence lasted almost two full minutes, during which Tatsuha fiddled with the various things on his desk, bent the corners of notebook paper, and doodled idly. Then, at last, he grew bored and spoke.

"Well?"

Eiri's scowl was almost audible. "Fine." Eiri cleared his throat. "There once was a hermit named Ken, who kept a dead whore in his den. It smelled like shit and was missing one tit, but think of the money he... saved," he recited, pausing at the last line and, failing to find a rhyming word, substituting something just as good. "There. How was that?"

Tatsuha tried not to laugh. "That's not a poem," he said. "You're a nasty, dirty pervert!"

"It rhymes," Eiri pointed out. "That makes it more of a poem than yours. Rhyming makes it a poem and that makes it beautiful, not crude. Artistic, at least. Interpretive."

Tatsuha scowled at the wall. "If you were here, I'd hit you. I'm telling you, a poem doesn't have to rhyme."

"If a poem doesn't rhyme, it just means the poet isn't trying hard enough," Eiri decided. "Only lazy poets don't bother to rhyme."

"That's not true!"

"Which one of us is the published writer? Remind me."

Damn him for using his job in an argument. "You are," Tatsuha admitted grudgingly.

"Right." Eiri sounded smug. "So don't you think that maybe, just perhaps, I know what I'm talking about?"

Tatsuha gaped a moment. How did his brother's mind think like this and not explode? It didn't make any sense. "Fine," he said at last. "But you're still a pervert."

"A poetic pervert," Eiri corrected. "And your crappy poem still isn't a real poem."

"Argh!" Tatsuha hit his hand, palm-down, against the desk. "It doesn't have to rhyme in order to be a poem!"

"Yeah, if you're lazy."

Tatsuha scowled. "Will you quit saying --"

"I have another poem for you," Eiri interrupted. "There once was a man from --"

Tatsuha hung up.


	7. The Lull

**Title:** Little Conversations

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from with the beer and cigarette runs.

**Blood Type:** NyQuil

**Warnings:** Sleep-deprived insanity.

**Part:** Seven

**Author's Notes:** I have a terrible habit of writing these while I'm at work. Well, I think it's a terrible habit because I'm supposed to be doing other things aside from entertaining my fancies, but I don't know how bad of a habit you all would think it is. Whatever. I guess it's good in the long run; at least I showed up to work!

---

Sometimes when he was one the phone with Eiri, Tatsuha would ask a question and his elder brother would answer him with only silence. On some occasions, the silence didn't last long -- a minute maybe, or two. Other times, though, the silence lasted for a long time -- sometimes up to half an hour or so. Tatsuha had at first assumed his brother fell asleep while on the phone and he had simply hung up, but in most instances Eiri had called him back and scolded Tatsuha for cutting him off. Now Tatsuha just kept on the line and waited. And waited. And waited.

Eiri was apparently going for a new record this time. Tatsuha checked his watch. Eiri hadn't spoken in twenty-nine minutes. Four more and he'd have beat himself out. Which wouldn't be bad, Tatsuha reasoned, except that he was starting to nod off. It was already early morning, after all, and Tatsuha was expected to show up for class in the morning, so he really should have gone to bed hours ago, but...

What was Eiri _doing_, anyway? Tatsuha busied himself by thinking up a few possible answers. He knew that if he said something now, Eiri would respond -- he had tried that experiment several times before -- so Eiri was probably awake, but the elder wasn't making any noise, so he couldn't be doing all that much, right? Tatsuha thought about that. The only things he knew Eiri could do quietly were meditating and reading. Tatsuha was pretty sure Eiri wasn't meditating -- so far as he knew, Eiri had all but given that practice up -- and reading didn't seem too likely, as Eiri had been complaining earlier that his eyeglass prescription needed to be adjusted and he developed a headache every time he tried to read or write. So... what?

Tatsuha glanced longingly toward his bed. It looked so sweet and inviting and soft and --

Eiri snored.

It took Tatsuha a moment to realize what exactly that snore meant and, once he figured it out, he recoiled from the phone, disgusted. He forced the phone back to his ear.

"Aniki!"

Eiri seemed to snap instantly awake. "Yes?"

Tatsuha scowled. "I'm going to bed," he declared.

"That's hardly fair," Eiri argued. "If I'm going to be forced into another sleepless night, you shouldn't be allowed to taunt me by sleeping."

"Taunt you?" Tatsuha repeated. "What the hell do you mean, taunt you?"

"You snore," Eiri stated simply. "Loudly. I can hear you all the way in Tokyo and it still sounds as though you're snoring through a megaphone. Your snores cause earthquakes in England."

"England?"

"A European country. The one with London in it." Eiri scoffed. "Idiot."

"England doesn't get earthquakes!" Tatsuha protested.

"Sure they do," Eiri answered. "Volcanoes, too, and typhoons. I can hardly turn on my television without hearing about some natural disaster happening over in England."

"All caused by my snoring?"

Eiri considered that. "Maybe not the volcanoes, but the rest are, yes."

Tatsuha glared at the wall, pretending it was his brother. He considered kicking it, too, but opted against it. It would probably wake up his father. "You're full of shit."

"Am I?"

"You are." Tatsuha scowled. "I'm going to bed. Go wake up Shuichi and torture him if you've got to have someone keep you company."

"Your snoring would ruin the mood."

Eh? Tatsuha frowned, thinking that over, and then paused. He gagged. "Ewww."

Eiri was obviously trying not to titter at Tatsuha's disgust. "Problem?"

"I don't want to hear about what you and Shuichi and your mood," Tatsuha complained. "Then my brain starts thinking about it and I picture it and that's _gross_!"

"Says the boy who used to share women with me," Eiri said. "And who used to molest the other party in question, I might add."

"I could care less about fucking your girls or Shuichi," Tatsuha snapped. "I don't want to have to picture _you_."

Eiri did laugh this time.

Tatsuha groaned. "Now I'll never be able to sleep," he mourned. "Never ever again!"

"Good," Eiri said. "England will be glad to hear it."


	8. Interruptions

**Title:** Little Conversations

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from the beer and cigarette runs.

**Blood Type:** NyQuil

**Warnings:** Sleep-deprived insanity.

**Part:** Eight

**Author's Notes:** I'm writing this during November, which I'm sure most of you know is NaNoWriMo, an event in which I participate every year. I must be completely mad to be doing this at this time, but whatever. In other news, this is the first part of the story I've actually written on my own computer and not at work. Hm.

---

Tatsuha had been trying to get a hold of Eiri for days now, but his brother had killed his phone or something or had always hung up on him after a few sentences. It was frustrating, but Tatsuha thought he could probably understand why the blond kept doing it; he had work to do, after all, and Tatsuha knew better than to interrupt the writer at work. Luckily, he had heard from Shuichi, with whom he exchanged the occasional email, that Eiri had just finished his latest novel, so Tatsuha took the chance and, once his father had gone to bed, dialed Eiri's number.

The writer picked up quickly, for once. "What do you want?"

"Hello to you, too," Tatsuha said cheerily.

Eiri sighed. "Hello," he said stiffly. "What do you want?"

"I've got a question."

"A question?"

"Yes."

Eiri waited. When Tatsuha didn't say anything, he sighed irritably. "Well?"

"Well," Tatsuha began, "I was kind of wondering if maybe I could hang out with you and Shuichi sometime soon. Stay at your place and all that. Like... next week-ish. Since they're closing school for bugs or something. Mice. Something involving infestation."

"No."

"Aniki! Come on!"

"Stay home," Eiri said. His voice sounded strained. "You can't stay here."

"Aniki!"

"No."

Tatsuha scowled at the phone. "Aniki, it would just be for, like, a --"

"No. I mean it. You can't stay here."

Tatsuha paused. "Why not?"

"Because."

Tatsuha waited for more. Eiri didn't supply anything, but Tatsuha was almost sure he heard someone -- Shuichi -- giggle. From somewhere _very_ close to the phone. Too close, almost.

Tatsuha knew what that meant, and he groaned. "I called you while you were fucking Shuichi!"

Eiri snorted and Tatsuha heard another giggle. He thought he heard -- but wasn't entirely sure and hoped he really didn't -- Shuichi saying something that sounded like "Were?"

Tatsuha slapped a hand to his forehead. "Ewwww."

"Don't complain," Eiri snapped. "You called. Not me."

"But you picked up!"

There was a brief pause and another giggle from Shuichi, coupled with the slightest of moans. Fuck. Tatsuha closed his eyes tightly shut, trying to burn the image out of his mind. It didn't work.

"Anyway, it's not my fault you have bad timing," Eiri continued. "Think before you call, you freak."

"I don't have psychic powers, Aniki!" Tatsuha cried. "How am I supposed to know when it is or when it's not okay to call you because you're fucking your goddamn boyfriend?"

He wasn't really mad. Not really. Just... Well, most people knew better than to answer the phone when they were in the middle of sex. Shuichi was obviously affecting Eiri with stupid and making him lose his common sense. Freaks.

Shuichi hissed something from Eiri's side of the conversation and there was a brief argument on that end. Then Eiri sighed. "The brat wants to talk to you. Hang on."

There was a brief pause and then Shuichi picked up. "Hi!" he said cheerfully.

"Tell my stupid brother that he shouldn't answer the phone when he's doing... you!" Tatsuha ordered.

"Okie dokie," Shuichi said. "What was it you were asking him about?"

Tatsuha paused to get his mind back on track. "Staying with you guys next week."

"Yuki won't be here," Shuichi explained, "and I may not be, either, so I guess that's why he said no? Maybe if you apartment-sit for us or something. Or if you promise to be really really really really good, ne? There'd have to be rules and stuff and... And..." Shuichi's voice faltered and there were noises as though the singer was covering the phone with his hand. "Yuki," he hissed, "quit it!"

Eiri said something on the other end of the line and Shuichi giggled.

Tatsuha rolled his eyes. "Look, how about I just call you back later? Or better yet, you have Aniki call _me_, so I don't end up... interrupting anything, okay?"

Shuichi snerked a little, but his snerk turned into a near-moan. "Oh, don't worry," Shuichi assured him. "You aren't interrupting --" a small hiss and a gasp -- "anything. Honest."

"Somehow that's even worse," Tatsuha grumbled. "Just have him call me back, okay?"

"Okie dokie," Shuichi agreed. "Bye, Tatsuha!"

Tatsuha hung up quickly. It would be a long time before he called Eiri ever, ever again. Blah. He totally needed to go dunk his head in a bucket of bleach now. That had definitely ruined his night.


	9. Aging

**Title:** Little Conversations

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from the beer and cigarette runs.

**Blood Type:** NyQuil

**Warnings:** Sleep-deprived insanity.

**Part:** Nine.

**Author's Notes:** I finished NaNoWriMo and this is my reward (is that sad? I think it kind of is). In other news, did you all know that this story was originally just supposed to be a few vignettes thrown together when I had time? Now it's apparently turned into an actual story. With bits of consistency thrown in. It's so very bizarre.

---

Eiri sounded irritated when he finally answered the phone and, since it was just after midnight and Eiri had apparently gone to bed at a reasonable hour for a change, Tatsuha could almost understand why. Not that it mattered; he called anyway.

"This had better be one hell of an emergency," Eiri snapped.

Tatsuha only grinned. "My birthday is only twenty-seven days away!" he cried cheerfully into the phone. "Twenty-seven, Aniki!"

Eiri paused. "Is that it?" he asked.

"Well, yeah."

Tatsuha waited, but there was only a long, drawn-out silence. He frowned and checked his watch. Two minutes later, he cleared his throat.

"Aniki?" he asked. "Are you dead?"

"You called and woke me the fuck up just because you're getting another year older in twenty-something days?" Eiri asked.

"Twenty-seven," Tatsuha corrected. "And... Well, yeah." He grinned into the phone. "So did you get me something already? What is it? Will you tell me? Please?"

Eiri groaned. "You're an idiot," he grumbled. "An eighteen-year-old idiot."

"I'm not eighteen _yet_, Aniki -- that's why I called, remember?" Tatsuha switched the phone to his other ear and adjusted the way his pants fell on his hips. He was standing in front of his mirror, modeling a bit. He had to practice his new, suave, sophisticated look; there were only twenty-seven days left to get it down pat! That was less than a month!

"Just be glad I remembered your age," Eiri said. He sighed. "Is that the only reason you called? Honestly? To remind me that you're getting older and I need to buy you a goddamn gift?"

Tatsuha thought about that for a moment. "And because my getting older means you're getting older," he pointed out. "You're going to be twenty-five in February. Right?"

Eiri paused. "Yes," he said at last. "Why?"

"You're going to die soon."

The silence lasted for almost four full minutes this time. "Twenty-five does not mean I am going to die, Tatsuha. Twenty-five isn't even middle age."

"Yeah, but think about your odds," Tatsuha said. "I mean, you smoke a million packs of cigarettes a day --"

"Two," Eiri corrected.

"...you smoke two million packs of cigarettes a day and you drink enough beer to refill the fucking Pacific Ocean, should it ever dry up, you've fucked more girls than should be permitted to one guy, and you drive like you're on speed, except worse," Tatsuha said. "You're going to die soon."

"I'm not going to die soon."

"You are," Tatsuha corrected. "Hell, I'm amazed you lasted this long. Twenty-five. Wow. My hat is off to you." Tatsuha glowered at the mirror. Ooh. That was a good look. He would have to remember that for when he finally turned eighteen and could master all the great sexy looks.

Eiri's frown was almost audible. "I'm not going to die," he said.

"That's what you think."

"I'm not."

Tatsuha shrugged. "Everyone's gotta do it eventually," he said. "And aside from all that stuff I said earlier, don't you get ulcers? Oh! And those headaches -- I almost forgot." Tatsuha nodded his head. "Yup. You're practically dead already."

"I am not."

"When you're dead, do you want Shuichi to sing a little song for you while we're burning you up?" Tatsuha asked. "He could probably write a good one. Or a decent one. Well, hell, at least he can sing. Maybe we'll just make him hum."

"Quit it."

Eiri was getting pissy, but Tatsuha didn't let that bother him. "Twenty-five. At least you lived a good life. Fought the good fight. Had a lot of sex."

"Twenty-five isn't old!"

"Whatever." Tatsuha inspected his fingernails. "Oh. That reminds me. Can I have your stuff when you finally kick the bucket or are you going to leave it all to Shuichi?"

"Tatsuha!"

Tatsuha rolled his eyes. "Well, fine. Then can I have Shuichi?"

"Fuck off, Tatsuha!"

When Tatsuha could actually hear Eiri fume, he knew it was time to lay off a little bit. He cleared his throat. "Right."

Eiri fumed for a little while longer and then seemed to suddenly calm down. "Are you quite done?" he asked through what sounded to be grit teeth.

"For now."

"Then are we finished here?"

"Almost."

Eiri paused. "What else is there to say?" he asked. "You've already condemned me to death once already. You can't do it twice in one night. It isn't allowed."

"Well, I have a question."

Eiri sounded suspicious. "What?"

"What'd you buy me for my birthday?"

Eiri hung up. Tatsuha grinned and let it slide, just this once. People as old and ready for death as Eiri needed to get their sleep.


	10. Noises

**Title:** Little Conversations

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from the beer and cigarette runs, first.

**Blood Type:** NyQuil

**Warnings:** Sleep-deprived insanity.

**Part:** Ten (Whoa!)

**Author's Notes:** So. Yes. I'm not sure this thing is ever going to end, despite my best inclinations. In any case, my thanks go out to DC for this one, as he stopped me from jumping over a ledge (or... you know. My desk) while I was trying to write this thing. He is le excellent, and you should all worship him. Right now. Go on. Do it. In other news, this little story thing is longer than normal, but really stupid. I'm sorry.

---

Tatsuha's cell phone rang a little after two in the morning and it made Tatsuha startle awake. He groped blindly for the phone and kept a watchful if bleary eye on his bedroom door even as he answered the thing. He kept the phone set to the quietest ring-tone he had been able to find, but that still didn't mean it wouldn't wake up Tatsuha's father. Or, worse, Mika and Tohma, who were sleeping in the room next to his. Tatsuha didn't even want to _think_ about what would happen if Mika caught him with a cell phone!

"Hello?" Tatsuha answered quietly. He didn't even have to check to see who was calling; only one person ever called him at this time of night. "Aniki?"

Eiri was silent for a moment. "Why are you making snake noises?" he asked.

Tatsuha rolled his eyes. "I'm not making snake noises. I'm being quiet so I don't wake anyone up, dumbass. Obviously."

"It sounds like snake noises," Eiri said again. "And bullshit."

What? Tatsuha paused, confused, and then shook his head. "What do you mean 'bullshit'?" he asked. "How would you know?"

"You've never made hissing noises the other times I've called," Eiri pointed out.

"It's different this time," Tatsuha explained. He shot another anxious look at his door. Had that sound been the creak of a floorboard? No. Couldn't be. Wasn't possible. Of course not. No one was out there.

"How?" Eiri asked.

Tatsuha frowned. "Mika and the bastard-in-law are over. They're sleeping in the room right next to mine."

"Why aren't they in Mika's room?"

Tatsuha sighed and scooted over to sit by the far wall, the one opposite the wall he shared with the room in which Mika and Tohma slept. "She said it looked creepy or something."

Eiri made an understanding noise. "I've been telling her that for years."

Yeah, right. Tatsuha bet he had. Just because Mika had a mirror hanging up right across from her door... Tatsuha rolled his eyes. Whatever. "So what's up now?"

"I just got home."

"You left the house?" That was surprising. Eiri was the urban equivalent of a hermit. He never went _anywhere_. "Where'd you go?"

"Some concert."

Tatsuha snorted. "You went to a concert?" He heard another sound from the hallway and craned head toward it. What was it? A footstep? No.

"The brat made me go. He's friends with the drummer and promised he would attend the damned thing, but his guitar friend had a date and the brat refused to go alone."

"So he took you?"

"So he dragged me."

"Oh." Eiri sounded weird. "Are you drunk?"

"Yes."

"Okay." There was definitely something making noise in the hallway, but what was it? Maybe the house was settling. Houses did that sometimes, right? "What band?"

"Who cares? Something 'mouse'. They wouldn't let me smoke."

"Ah." That didn't sound like a house settling. Tatsuha frowned and scooted over to the door to press his ear against it. "The band wouldn't let you smoke or the concert hall said you couldn't smoke?"

"Does it matter?" Eiri sounded annoyed. Tatsuha guessed there was more to Eiri's story than the elder was letting on, but Tatsuha wasn't about to push it. Eiri would spill when he was ready, and it wasn't like Tatsuha had to be up early in the morning, for a change. What did he care? Eiri could take all night to tell Tatsuha what was going on. Besides, if Tatsuha kept quiet, maybe whatever -- whoever? -- was in the hall would go away. Or at least go back to bed.

There was a long pause. Eiri fumed purposelessly for a while and Tatsuha listened out the door for --

"The drummer was an asshole, too," Eiri said at last.

Tatsuha rolled his eyes. Like Eiri had room to talk. "Yeah?"

"He kept _laughing_."

That didn't sound particularly bad to Tatsuha. Maybe he was missing something there. "Laughing about what?" he asked.

"How the fuck should I know? Shuichi kept talking and the asshole kept laughing, that's all."

Tatsuha frowned and inspected his fingernails, then scooted back toward his futon. Yup. Nothing in the hallway. "Was he being mean about it? The drummer, I mean."

"No. Shuichi was telling stories or something."

"Funny stories?"

"Hell if I know. Maybe. And he kept hanging off him, too."

Tatsuha tried not to laugh aloud as the pieces fell into place. Ah. So that was it. He held his hand over his mouth, but a few chuckles still escaped. Eiri heard them and went quiet for a moment.

"What the fuck are you laughing about?" he snapped.

"You're jealous," Tatsuha said gleefully. "You're jealous because some other guy was being nice and friendly with Shuichi!"

"I am not," Eiri insisted.

"You are," Tatsuha reveled. He grinned. "You loooove him."

Eiri's scowl was almost audible. "I never said that!"

Like he had to. Why else would he be jealous? "Eiri loves Shuichi," Tatsuha taunted in a singsong voice. "Eiri loves Shuichi, Eiri loves Shuichi..."

"Shut up," Eiri ordered.

Tatsuha persisted. "Eiri loves --"

"Tatsuha-kun?"

Tatsuha's bedroom door creaked open. Fuck. Tatsuha dove for his futon and wedged his phone under his pillow. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! He pretended to have just woken up and tried to look tired as Tohma peered through the doorway. Fuck!

"Is everything all right, Tatsuha-kun?" the blond asked. He looked far too cheerful for this time of night.

"Fine," Tatsuha answered, far too quickly. He coughed and tried again. "I mean, everything's just fine."

"Really?" Tohma asked. He looked almost concerned, but Tatsuha knew better. "I thought I heard you talking to someone."

Of course he had. Tohma had some sort of superhuman ability to hear anything involving Eiri; he had probably picked out the sound of Eiri's voice through Tatsuha's cell phone even from the other room. He had some kind of... of radar.

"I was... uh..." Tatsuha could vaguely hear Eiri asking what was going on. He tried to subtly adjust the pillow over the phone. Fuck. "I was sleep-talking. To myself. I do that sometimes."

"Sleep-talking?" Tohma repeated. He quirked an eyebrow. "It sounded as though you were holding a conversation."

"I was," Tatsuha said through grit teeth. Eiri talked _loud_ -- he could still hear his brother even through the pillow. "With myself."

"A conversation with yourself?" Tohma asked. "In your sleep?"

"Yes."

"I see." Tohma frowned. He was obviously not buying the excuse, but maybe he would just go with it and... "I also thought I heard ringing."

Fuck.

"You didn't," Tatsuha said.

"Are you certain?"

"Yes." Tatsuha frowned at Tohma and watched him for a long, long moment. Then the blond seemed to give in. He shrugged.

"Very well. Goodnight, Tatsuha-kun."

"Night."

Tatsuha waited until the door had shut and he had heard the door to the room next door open and shut before he did anything. That had been easy. _Too_ easy. He waited a few second more and then grabbed for his phone again.

"Aniki?"

"What the hell was that?" Eiri demanded. "Did you _die_? Because that's about the only reason I'll accept for you --"

"The bastard-in-law walked in," Tatsuha interrupted.

"Oh," Eiri said. He paused. "What were we talking about?"

Tatsuha yawned a little. "That asshole drummer that was flirting with Shuichi."

"Right," Eiri agreed. "In any case, he laughed a lot and he kept touching him. And they wouldn't let me smoke, the bastards."

Eiri launched into another tirade and Tatsuha smiled a little. He pulled a blanket around his shoulders. Tohma probably thought he was crazy or something now, but who cared? It wasn't often that Eiri actually showed genuine emotions, so why not take advantage of it -- and make the elder brother really, really irritated in the process?

Tatsuha leaned back against the wall and enjoyed the show.


	11. Suction

**Title:** Little Conversations

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from the beer and cigarette runs.

**Blood Type:** NyQuil

**Warnings:** Sleep-deprived insanity.

**Part:** Eleven.

**Author's Notes:** This chapter is... iffy, but I felt like I had to write something for this story before I lost the thread altogether. Is that a terrible thing? Also, I happened to be really bored at work. As happens. (Go figure.)

---

When his father finally went to bed at ten o'clock that evening, Tatsuha all but leapt for his cell phone. He had wanted to call his brother since early that afternoon, but having his dad around all day had put a crimp in that plan. So as soon as the old man's light went out, Tatsuha called Eiri.

Eiri picked up on the fourth ring, just as Tatsuha started to get a little antsy.

"What do you want?" the blond demanded.

Tatsuha was secretly in love with the way Eiri always answered the phone as though he knew exactly who was on the other end. Tatsuha had once considered getting his brother Caller ID, but had eventually decided that would ruin all the fun.

"I got a job!" Tatsuha said. Well, no. He practically squealed it.

Eiri paused. "Tatsuha?"

"Yes, yes, it's me, and I got a job! A real one -- not some nansy-pansy wannabe job like you have. I'm talking a real job, one with money that goes to me and stuff! A _good_ job."

It took Eiri a moment to catch up to Tatsuha's train of thought. When he did finally speak, the frown was almost audible. "Did you just say I had a nansy job? What the fuck is a nansy job?"

"Nansy-pansy wannabe job," Tatsuha corrected. "It means you suck. But that's not --"

"I do not suck."

Tatsuha paused and stared briefly at the wall. Eiri was completely missing the point here. "You do suck, but that's really not my point. Weren't you listening? I got --"

"I do not suck," Eiri said again. "In fact, I'm fairly sure I have never sucked, in my career or otherwise."

He was just going to push that point, wasn't he? Tatsuha scowled. "Aniki, you --"

"Furthermore," Eiri continued, "I am offended by your implication that I do suck."

Tatsuha rolled his eyes. It figured. Eiri was being an asshole, and that meant Tatsuha was going to have to soothe his elder brother's wounded pride. "Fine. What do you want me to do about it?"

There was a two-minute long pause while Eiri considered that. "You should take it back," he decided.

"I should take _what_ back?"

"What you said. About my drawing things in as though I was a vacuum," Eiri said.

Tatsuha blanched. "What?"

"The sucking thing," Eiri clarified.

"Yeah, I gathered that," Tatsuha said. "What's a vacuum got to do with anything?"

Eiri paused. "That's the definition of sucking," he said. "To draw things into something else like a vacuum."

And thus Eiri the human dictionary had struck again. Tatsuha groaned. "That's not what I meant and you know it."

Eiri hummed off-key in response.

This was totally not worth it. "Okay, okay. Fine," Tatsuha snapped. "I take it back. You're not a two-legged vacuum. Okay? Is that better?"

Much to Tatsuha's relief, Eiri stopped humming. "Much," he answered. "Now, as you were saying?"

It took Tatsuha a moment to rewind their conversation in his head. Then, finally, he grinned. "Right! Right. I got a job. A _good_ job."

"You're a waiter?"

Tatsuha prodded the baseboard of the wall with his foot. "No. Stupid. It's loads better than that."

"You're a prostitute?"

"What? No, I --"

"Because I was sure we taught you better than that," Eiri went on. "Selling yourself on the street. Tch. You should just give it away for free. It'll save you a lot of hassle."

"Eiri, I --"

"Or a brothel. Maybe you should join a brothel." Eiri paused and when he finally spoke again, Tatsuha was positive he was smirking. "I hear that involves a lot of sucking."

Tatsuha considered, very briefly, hanging up the phone. But if he did that, Eiri would only call back and throw more possible career options in Tatsuha's ear, simply because Eiri had some sort of love affair with torturing his younger brother. Asshole.

"Eiri!" Tatsuha hissed. "Shut up and listen!"

Eiri stopped talking, but only because he was obviously trying not to laugh. Tatsuha could picture it perfect: Eiri was probably at his desk, hand over his mouth, and snickering between his fingers.

When Eiri finally did compose himself, he cleared his throat. "Yes?"

"I got a job with the company that publishes all your books."

That made Eiri shut up. The writer was quiet for a long moment and then, finally, he cleared his throat again. "You did?"

"Yes."

A pause. Then, "Doing what?"

Tatsuha smirked. "You know those pictures they take of the authors that they throw on the back of the book?"

Eiri was hesitant. "Yes..."

"I'm working with the guy who takes those pictures." Tatsuha grinned and tapped his fingers against the back of his phone. "They say I'm going to have a lot of chances to give them my... creative input."

There was a long, long pause. And then, finally, Eiri groaned. "Fuck."

Tatsuha grinned. Okay. Maybe putting up with his brother's bullshit had been worth it after all.


	12. Hypotheticals

Title: Little Conversations

**Title:** Little Conversations

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and such, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from the beer and cigarette runs first.

**Blood Type:** NyQuil

**Warnings:** Sleep-deprived insanity.

**Part:** Twelve.

**Author's Notes:** It's been over two years since I last updated this. Yikes. I'm a very, very bad writer, aren't I? Yes I am. Forgive me.

"I have a question for you," Tatsuha said. He fiddled with a pencil as he spoke, distractedly shaking it between his fingers.

On his end of the phone, Eiri sighed. "I gathered that, yes."

"You did?"

"You never call unless you want something. So yes, I figured it out."

Tatsuha frowned. "You don't like it when I call you anyway. Don't make it sound like you spend hours by the phone every day wishing I'd suddenly get the urge to talk to you."

Eiri sighed, and Tatsuha took that for the victory it was. "What was your question?"

"Oh. Right. My question." Tatsuha stopped playing with the pencil briefly, but started up again almost as soon as he began to speak. "Hypothetically, say you meet this girl who's, say... I don't know, maybe a little older than you and is really, really hot."

Eiri's amusement was practically audible. "All right."

"...and say you look a hell of a lot like this guy she pretty much idolizes, right? So you buy her a drink, which is great because this place you're at really doesn't care how old you are or that they know your father, and you tell the girl that you _are_ this older -- and we're talking _much_ older, mind you, like, I don't know, older than --"

"Tatsuha..."

The teen waved a hand holding the pencil, dismissing Eiri's interruption physically even as he vocalized it. "Don't interrupt, Aniki. It's really not polite."

Eiri sighed. "Go on."

"Anyway. So hypothetically, you tell this hot chick that you're someone else and she invites you back to her place and you have a great night with her, if you understand me, and then, before you go home, she makes you promise to name some character after her in your next book."

"I'm not going to --"

"Let me finish," he interrupted. Tatsuha tapped his pencil against the desktop in front of him and leaned against it, turning in his chair. "Say that, hypothetically, the same hot girl gives you a bad party favor. One that'll go away with some penicillin, sure, but it's still a bad deal. Are you, hypothetically, still required to force your much older sibling to name someone 'Nami' in his next book, or is the agreement pretty much voided?"

Eiri was quiet for a long, long moment and, for a while, Tatsuha wasn't at all certain the blond hadn't fallen back asleep. Finally, though, Eiri sighed. "May I be honest here?"

"Sure."

"I'm impressed you remembered her name."

Tatsuha tried not to preen. "Well, you know. She kept reminding me of it. Just in case, I guess."

"I see." The elder brother was quiet a while longer. "May I continue with the honesty?"

"If you want."

"Good. You're a fucking idiot." That said, Eiri hung up the phone.

Tatsuha didn't let that phase him. After all, he could always call his brother again the next day.


	13. Parade

**Title:** Little Conversations

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and such, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from the beer and cigarette runs first.

**Blood Type:** NyQuil

**Warnings:** Sleep-deprived insanity.

**Part:** Twelve.

**Author's Notes:** I wrote this for Aja, but posted it for Lawless. These things happen. Unrelatedly, thirteen is my lucky number. It's a lot of peoples' lucky number, but it's also mine.

---

Given how their last phone call had gone, Tatsuha was super careful and made sure not to call Eiri until well after two o'clock, after he knew Shuichi would be at work and Eiri would (probably) be awake and taking his third cigarette break of the day. Nonetheless, he held his breath right up to the moment when Eiri finally answered, and expelled it quickly once his brother picked up. His words came out in a torrent.

"I need a favor."

On the other end of the phone, Eiri paused. "A favor?"

"Yes."

When Eiri replied, he sounded skeptical, and Tatsuha didn't blame him. He often asked things of his brother, but mostly they were completely outrageous things and Tatsuha didn't really mean them anyway, and Eiri knew it. This, though... This, he meant. This, he needed.

"What sort of favor?"

"A huge favor." Tatsuha bit his lip and he didn't wait for Eiri to say anything more before he went on. "I need you to pretend to me for something."

"That's it?"

Tatsuha let out a breath. That was the easy part. He'd done the bait-and-switch for his brother tons of times, and Eiri totally owed him. No matter what, he was sure he could get Eiri to agree to that part of things. "Well," he continued. "Not exactly."

Eiri didn't sigh, but Tatsuha could tell he wanted to. "What else?"

"Well, I need you to pretend to be me for this... This parade thing on Friday."

"A parade."

"That's right."

The suspicion was nearly palpable. "What sort of parade?"

Tatsuha swallowed. "Don't get mad."

"I don't even know what it is yet."

There was a clatter in the background, on Eiri's end of the phone, and Tatsuha held his breath a moment. "...Shuichi is there?"

"It seems so. What sort of parade, Tatsuha?"

"It's a parade in Shibuya."

Eiri was silent and Tatsuha held his breath. When Eiri still didn't say anything, he let the breath go and started to say something more, but his brother interrupted him.

"Tatsuha."

"Yeah?"

"Don't tell me you want me to go to the Lesbian and Gay Parade."

He tried to sound uplifting. "Oh, you've heard of it, then! Great. That means I don't have to explain it to you. Now, look, it'll be simple. You just have to show up looking like me and maybe take a look for Sakuma-san, because I kind of promised I'd be there, and you don't even have to _talk_ to him because he'll probably be busy if he even goes and I don't want you to talk to him anyway, but you've just got to wave if you see him and if you don't just get your picture taken by a sign or something and send it to me so I can forward it to Sakuma-san and he'll know I --"

"Tatsuha."

He sucked in a breath. "Yeah?"

"No."

"Please, Aniki! This is really, really important to me! I'd go, but Dad refuses to let me miss school!"

"If you told him what it was for, I don't blame him."

"Of course I didn't tell him!" Tatsuha shut his eyes. There was going to be some serious begging in order here, he could just tell. "Aniki, please do this? It'd really mean a lot. And it's not like you'd be doing anything _anyway_."

Eiri made a low noise in the back of his throat that might -- might -- have been a growl. "No."

"Please!"

"I said no."

"Aniki..."

Eiri was quiet a moment, and for a moment Tatsuha thought Eiri had hung up and he just hadn't heard the phone click off. Finally, though, Eiri said, "What's in it for me if I do?"

Damn. He hadn't thought that far ahead. "My eternal and undying gratitude."

"No."

"Aniki!" Tatsuha took a breath. "Okay. What do you want?"

Eiri paused, clearly considering that. "I get to embarrass you. As you. Any way I want."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

That wasn't so bad. Tatsuha hesitated, glancing to his computer where a promising email from his very own Sakuma Ryuichi awaited him, wherein the singer promised to look for him while he was working at the parade. He couldn't let his honey down. He just _couldn't_, not if it meant blowing what could be his only chance to really get in good with the singer. "Deal."

If he had actually been there, Tatsuha had the feeling he would already be regretting this decision. "Good," Eiri answered, and there was a brief shuffle as he very possibly covered up the receiver and spoke to someone else in the room. Even though the receiver was covered, Tatsuha could hear him anyway, and he bit back a gasp.

"Did you just ask Shuichi if you could raid his closet?"

Eiri was the only person who could smirk audibly. "Hey," he said, "you did say I could embarrass you in any way I wanted."

"But that's just cruel!"

"You agreed to it," Eiri reminded him. "I'll be sure to send you the pictures."

And, with that, his elder brother hung up the phone.


End file.
